When an unplanned pregnancy interrupts a planned life...

I was motivated to write about this experience after reading this article about Natalie Grant and realizing that I was not alone. In fact, there was so much similarity in what she had gone through and how she felt and what I had gone through and what I had felt. And there might be a few more mothers out there who probably have gone through or are going through something similar.

Even as I share about how miserable I felt when I got to know that I was pregnant for the third time, I remember someone passing a remark saying, "how can you say things like that being a Christian". But today, as I write this...that is exactly my point. How I have normal human feelings and emotions like a normal human being...but how God in all of His goodness, mercy and faithfulness has empowered me to overcome and cherish life and all it's gifts.

Before you can read about me, you can read about Natalie Grant who inspired me to write this article, by clicking on the link below.

Natalie Grant: Music and Motherhood

To begin with, when we got married, I never wanted kids. I wanted my space, my freedom and my care-free life. So when Ben said he'd love to have a cricket team, I was stunned! "Give me a couple of years to think about whether I'm ready for even one," I told him. 

Sure enough, three years later, the desire crept in and even though a pregnancy test came positive, just two weeks later I began to bleed and was told that there could have been a mistake...there was no baby. Instead, I had cysts and had to get on immediate medication so I could try again after about six months. I was crushed...didn't get out of the home nor spoke to anyone for days. I was so so so broken. So the next month when I missed my periods and had to do the test again, despite it coming positive, I didn't believe. That's when I realized God had taken away the cysts and given me my firstborn-Celeste, my shining star. 

God's goodness didn't pause at Celeste, for when she was just five months old, I felt I could have conceived again. But when I hinted at Ben, he asked, "how is it possible???" 

HOW?! Really?! We all know HOW!

A book that really motivated me and blessed my life was Supernatural Childbirth and Prayers and Promises for a Supernatural Childbirth.

When the tests confirmed pregnancy, I was elated. I just couldn't wait to see how beautiful this little one was going to be after having baby Celeste. And just like that, little Hannah was born.

I had my challenges and had overcome the postpartum depression, yet having a very small age gap between them, Celeste and Hannah began to grow beautifully... Soon, they had started Montessori and I signed up for my Image Consulting Program. I could finally pursue a career! Within a year, the program was completed and I achieved my certification. As time went by, I even passed the assessment of training for the Institute. I had to get my portfolio done, and soon I would be a practicing Image Consultant!

That's precisely when God decided to fill my womb again. Just that this time, it wasn't what I was looking for. I didn't want any more babies. I had dreams...desires...so much to achieve! I didn't have time for another baby! This time when I told Ben, he said, "It's not possible". 

Only I knew how real it was. Not that any of my pregnancies were planned...but this was way out of line. I battled thoughts of abortion. Yes, as a Christian, I did. Though many times I had prayed, Lord have your way in me...my life is in you...you are the potter, I am the clay...it's all about you, Jesus; it all came down to this. Was I going to be able to accept the Lord's plan in my life and set aside my own, trusting and knowing that He will work all things for my good? Easier said than done. Try telling that to me at that time. No amount of reasoning or explaining made sense. There were so many women out there who were desperate to have a child...they could have this baby instead of me!

I know this sounds horrible. I understand the reasonings may not be justified. All that I had on my mind was my selfish ambitions. Nothing and no one could do anything to help.

Had it crossed my mind that there was a little heart beating inside of me whose life was now entrusted to me? It might be just the beginning...just a teeny weeny little blob...but it was life...just like mine...just that it was a few days or weeks old and I was far far far older. Just because it was within my womb...did it give me the right to destroy it because of my selfish ambitions?

It took a lot of praying, surrendering and trusting God. And this is what I want to share...my battles were just the same...as a normal woman. It was the grace of God, His love and His beautiful Holy Spirit that healed, forgave, comforted and counselled me. My prayer was that I would be able to love this little baby no matter what...without any strings attached...unconditionally.

Then, as soon as little Liezel popped out...I was awestruck and smitten! Is that even possible?! Absolutely! She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. There was this unexplainable surge of love that just flooded my heart. And it hasn't stopped till this day. She was just perfect. How could I have not wanted another baby? Look at what I would be missing! She brought so much joy and so much life into our existence. God knew exactly what He was doing! We needed Liezel more than we even knew. There could have been no better timing. What an awesome blessing to behold!

Life goes on. Have I killed my dreams? Most certainly not. I have learnt that when I lay my dreams at God's feet I need to trust that He will bring to pass what has to be and what's best for me. It's all a part of self-realization, self-acceptance and self-enlightenment.

Thank God for trusting me...even when I didn't trust Him!

Is it a boy or a girl?

Our third baby! It was time to share the news with family, friends and everyone else. Funnily, all you have to do is share the news with a few people and they do the 'spreading of the news' for you. We were excited about our third baby, even though it was our 'third' and wanted to experience the reactions from our loved ones and the others and so wanted to break the news ourselves since we barely got to do it the first and second time we expected.

Well, turns out, as soon as we would say, 'we are expecting our third baby,' there would either be expressions of disbelief, shock, disapproval or sympathy. Time and again, we'd heard people say, 'don't worry, it will be a boy.' But we really aren't worried. After getting to know how single-minded most people are towards girl babies in India through the television and other media, we only had to experience it in real life to believe it. We would love a boy. Of course we would. But even if it is a girl, which Ben and Sil desire it to be...and me...we'd love her, knowing that there's nothing we've missed in life.

It was amusing when a fellow Christian asked me, 'was it planned? next time better be careful!' and another say, 'was it a mistake?'

Not that we don't support family planning. We do. We use contraceptives. Our third baby is only proof that even contraceptives cannot stop God's blessings. Was it a mistake? I don't think babies are a mistake, especially in marriage, when they are conceived in love.

Very few people, probably just a couple of them, have asked us, 'what are you'll expecting, a girl or a boy?' And very few have been genuinely supportive. All others have reacted as if there's more expected of them, now that there's another baby. It's not very pleasant, when people say, 'how are you doing, don't worry, we are praying that it will be a boy.' They wouldn't even take the time to ask if that's what we want. Well, if they want a boy, let them pray for one of their own...let mine be what God wants it to be! The baby is already conceived...it's not going to change its sex based on their preference!

I'm grateful to God for the few friends and family who have unconditionally and without condemnation stood by us through this happy time, not making us feel like it's some kind of an unusual happening.

Isn't it strange? When you don't have kids, people are always trying to figure out why you don't have any and when are you going to have one. When you have one, if it's a girl, they'd want you to have a boy and if it's a boy, well, in India, it would just as well be 'all boys.' And then, when you finally have a nice big family, they get worried that your family is getting 'too big' if you have any more babies! Like it's some task for them!

People will want to have their say. Whether it counts or not...depends on how you take it. We love our unborn baby. And welcome it whether it's a boy or a girl. A boy would be different...but a girl, she would be just as perfect as Sil and Za.